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 | Procyon Herald - Issue 46: Liberty Pie |  | |
Issue 46: Liberty Pie
02-22-2007 13:47
Welcome to the Procyon Herald, where good ol’ boys were drinkin’ whisky and rye, singing “this’ll be the day that I die”. The race for Liberty’s top office took a surprising turn this week when front-runner Cupid – who’d been leading his opponent, former President Jacobi by as much as 19 points – was discovered in a cheap motel room on Planet Pittsburgh with 3 hookers, a cardamine-pipe, a tub of KY jelly and a half dozen empty bottles of bourbon. “What are you lookin’ at?” the toddler demanded of our paparazzi, sneering as he puffed at his cheap cigar. He then unleashed an obscenity-laced tirade which we’re unable to reprint here. News of the scandal spread like wildfire throughout Liberty, and has already had an impact on the election race, with Jacobi’s prospects for re-election seeing a sudden rise.
While the election battle continues, another battle of a different sort has been raging in Liberty, this one taking place in the skies of California, Colorado and the border system of Magellan. The outlaw gangsters of Reverend’s Rogues have apparently been kept busy combating the newly formed L(\W wing of the Wraiths, as well as the LSF and independent pirate hunters SgtWildman (of Procyon Idol fame) and Thrawn-henchman, Baneful_Serpent. With the focus shifting away from Omicron Gamma to the inner systems, one question has been occupying the minds of Procyon citizens everywhere: Who the hell becomes a Thrawn henchman???
The emergence of light fighter pirate-hunters appears to have taken some of the heat off of Procyon’s noobs. Noob spokesman Dorkus Maximus, speaking after returning from a rather unpleasant visit to Omicron Beta, had this to say: “We noobs got rights! Everyone likes to pick on us because they think we’re easy targets. But one day soon, we’re going to rise up and cast off the shackles of oppression! A veritable armada of Starfliers will descend from the heavens to rain fire down upon you all!!! Okay, maybe not fire, but make no mistake, lavablades en masse can be a scary sight! The Revenge of the Noobs is nigh!!!!”
Finally, a mysterious transmission was received at the Procyon Herald offices on Freeport 5 earlier this week. The exact source of the transmission could not be determined, but the message appears to have come from a man named John Conner. The content of the message was rather disturbing, and could have serious ramifications for the rest of the server population. With that in mind, the Procyon Herald is publishing the original, unedited message in its entirety, which can be found here, entitled ‘The Conner Files’. The Procyon Herald has also contracted a private investigator, Bob Olson, to follow up on this story, and we’ll be bringing you periodic reports from his ongoing investigation.
That’s it for this edition of the Procyon Herald. Bye bye, Miss American Pie. This is Ravenwood, signing off.
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| Interested Party on 02-22-2007 14:37:19 | | |
"...rain fire down upon you all!!!"
So Mank was actually Dorkus Maximus; that explains it all. | | | | |
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