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 | Procyon Herald - Issue 31: Dzień dobry |  | |
Issue 31: Dzień dobry
01-17-2007 00:24
Welcome to the Procyon Herald, where we play all your favourite bluegrass melodies, while taking the ‘oh’ out of ‘country’!
Topping the news, a great celebration was had this past weekend to mark Grandma Ravenwood’s 90th birthday. The entire Ravenwood clan gathered on the Battleship Yukon – some from as far away as Planet New London – to celebrate the longevity of the great matriarch, who is still going strong. The event unfortunately coincided with the much-anticipated attack on Omicron Theta, but sources have confirmed that the pirates, led by the Toker clone army, succeeded in wresting the system from the clutches of the Scorpions and their Alliance brethren. While details of the battle remain sketchy (feel free to fill me in guys), witnesses confirm that the Toker clones took all three rounds in a decisive battle that left the Alliance reeling. One can only wonder if the lessons learned during the battle will be enough to prevent the distant system of Chugoku – another single base system – from falling to the pirate Brigantines in similar fashion, this coming Saturday. Asked for comment, Cobalt_Monkey had this to say: “We’re not all that concerned by the Brigantines. Alliance intel suggests they probably won’t be able to find the place. As for the Toker clones, well, we’re keeping them pinned down with a steady influx of Gamma Ganja which our trader smurfs are importing into Theta round the clock. They won’t be going anywhere for a while, heh.”
And speaking of celebrations, we’ve received several unconfirmed reports of a great party happening somewhere slightly east of Rheinland. The sweet aroma of perogies, kielbasa and cabbage rolls could be detected on long range scanners, and several freighters were seen leaving Frankfurt filled to capacity with vast quantities of vodka aboard – chilled, of course. If one listened closely, one could just make out the words to the Polish song ‘Sto Lat’: “Sto lat! Sto lat! Niech zyje, zyje nam.”
In other news, the rewards being offered for the deaths of both Admiral Mank and the Reverend have expired. While sightings of the Reverend were reported at various times throughout the life of the contract, the Admiral did not make an appearance, and certainly, the two have not been seen on the server at the same time for quite a while. While most people agree this is merely coincidence, others have begun to wonder whether the two may in fact be the same person. (Gasp! Shock! The Horror!)
In entertainment news, The Org has been crowned ‘The Most Respected Clan on Procyon’ by way of a recent server-wide poll. Clearly infallible and undeniably scientific in its methodology, the poll asked Procyon citizens to name the clan they held in the highest regard. The Org won in a landslide, bringing in more than twice the number of votes as the second-place finishing clan, the Cobalts. Shortly after the results were counted however, ugly rumors began to circulate that Org musclemen were present outside polling stations, threatening to kneecap any one foolish enough to vote for clans other than The Org. Asked for comment, Crescens merely smiled and said “I can neither confirm nor deny that.”
In sporting news, the Plasmaball Playoffs have now reached the conference finals, which will determine which two teams get to vie for the much-coveted Sirius Bowl in two week’s time. The underdog Pansies of Pittsburgh continued their unanticipated playoff success with a surprise upset of the heavily favoured Colorado Eagles, when place kicker Digger “Toe-Jam” Mould kicked a ripper mine through the uprights in overtime to bring the Eagles’ season to a sudden end. Said Toe-Jam, “those are the most hair-raising moments. You never know when those suckers are gonna go off. Hi Mom!”
Finally, there seems to be a groundswell of support for a second server race to follow up the original Crete Rally. Although no firm date has been set, analysts predict that the race will likely take place the weekend of January 27, the week after the last system battle for Chugoku has been fought. We’ll do our best to keep you informed and up-to-date as best we can.
For the Herald, this is Ravenwood, signing off. Careful with that axe, Eugene.
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