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 | Procyon Herald - Issue 21: Let's get ready to Rumble! |  | |
Issue 21: Let's get ready to Rumble!
11-17-2006 11:14
Welcome to the Procyon Herald, where the beer is always cold, the women are always hot, and the action is always fast and furious. We lead off this edition of the Herald with a reminder that the first ever Gamma Bowl, a player vs. player deathmatch tournament being hosted by the Avid Tokers in Omicron Gamma, is fast approaching. With just over 24 hours until show time (at the time of writing), the various contestants are busy cleaning their guns and dusting off their ammunition. Final checks are being made on all equipment to ensure that no unexpected glitches jeopardize a contestant’s chances of winning it all. All equipment, that is, except nanobots and shield batteries, which are prohibited during the tournament. Apart from the 17.5 million in prize money, bragging rights are also on the line. As per the rules of the tournament, contestants are free to fly whatever ship they choose, using whatever weapons load-out they wish. The tournament will proceed using a double-elimination format, meaning each contestant will have two chances to reach the final deathmatch. Get shot down twice, however, and you’re out. Initial opponents will be determined by random draw. It’s recommended that all contestants arrive at least a half hour before the tournament begins. The Herald wishes all contestants the best of luck, and may the best pilot win!
Sponsors of the event have already been secured, as this promises to be the most widely viewed sporting spectacle since the Kurile Kangaroos upset the Baden Baden Bolsheviks in the classic Plasmaball Championship XXIV. Bretonian billionaire Richard Virgin will be using the Gamma Bowl Halftime Show to announce the launch of his new construction consortium, an upstart rival to the monopoly Deep Space Engineering. Virgin came up with the idea after his third attempt to circumnavigate Sirius in a hot air balloon failed on account of incomplete gates in Tau-31. His new construction consortium, to be called Massive Erection, will be submitting its bid to BMM to replace Deep Space Engineering as the contractor of choice on the still incomplete Tau-31 trade lane network. “Massive Erection will penetrate a variety of markets,” he stated in a company press release, indicating that the long-delayed completion of the Tau-31 network will be the company’s initial focus. “As the Head of Massive Erection, I’ll be leading the thrust into that frigid ice field.” Planetform Chief Executive Officer Terrence Greenbelt welcomed the news, stating that the sooner the gates could be completed, the sooner the Planet Harris Project could be brought to fruition. “That damn ice box has been a pain in my ass since the project was first conceived,” he grumbled. “If I have to listen to one more tree-hugging, hemp-smoking, sandal-wearing pinko Gaian activist lecture me about the responsibility to conserve, I swear I’m gonna puke. The Kyoto Protocol died centuries ago, people! Get with the program!”
Procyon welcomed a new clan this week, known as Reverend’s Rogues. The clan is the 3rd confirmed roleplaying clan on the server, joining the Brigantines and the Immortals. Clan leader Reverend had this to say: “Park your eagles and sabers – this clan is all about the adventure of being a small-time, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants pirate. And if you don’t like it, you can take your nomads and shove ‘em up your ass.” Apparently the Rogues have identified 16 territories which can be claimed by members of the clan. We were unable to reach the Reverend for a complete list of these territories, however, so we are still not certain how this will affect the current system of claimed systems.
Finally, Kusari State Police arrested a man late last night on the Planet New Tokyo. The man was seen streaking naked across the main Tokyo Square, and once apprehended, claimed to be none other than the kidnapped son of the Outcast drug lord Miguel Benitez. Missing 6 toes and both pinky fingers, the man claimed to have escaped his captors, the OuTcAsTs led by the dreaded Col. Conseco. “Those guys are crazy!” he frothed. “Completely and diabolically insane!” The young Benitez (whose identity was later confirmed) claimed that a major shake-up among the Outcasts was in the works. “Don Conseco is planning a coup d’etat among the various cartels,” he said. “His henchmen Capt.Planet and Pvt.Mendez were sent to deliver ultimatums to the other cartels, demanding they swear loyalty to the Conseco family.” It’s not yet been determined what response the ultimatums received, but we will be following this story closely as it continues to unfold.
For the Procyon Herald, this is war correspondent Ravenwood, signing off. And remember boys and girls, mess with the viper, and you’ll get the fangs.
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