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 | Procyon Herald - Issue 20: Tokers Host Gamma Bowl |  | |
Issue 20: Tokers Host Gamma Bowl
11-15-2006 12:05
Thanks for tuning in to the latest edition of the Procyon Herald – the best tasting newspaper in the galaxy! Topping today’s news, of course, is the official announcement of Procyon’s first ever Player vs. Player tournament, scheduled for this coming Saturday night. Some of you will remember the original announcement made by C-o-E Enlil, who billed the event as the Omega-5 house-warming party. Unfortunately, Enlil had to disband the Children, due to an inability to control the brats. Foster parents have been found for everyone, and we’re happy to report the system of Omega-5 has since been acquired by our friends the Brigantines. “Arrr! What be the meaning of all these toys and coloring books?” howled the Captain upon first seeing the system. “Methinks we be replacing them with gun racks and powder kegs. Wench! Bring me my tankard of rum and let me pinch yer bottom! I’m not paying ye for enlightened conversation, that be for sure!” Avid Toker Cheech was quick to pick up where Enlil left off, and within days had contacted server administration to put together a replacement event, this time to be held in the PvP capital of Omicron Gamma. “Yeah,” Cheech said, sucking back a hit from his bowl, “if the tokers are to participate, we can’t be too far away from our stash of Omicron ganja. I just hope Chong remembers to bring the Doritos this time.” Prize money has once again been generously donated by the server admins. For more details, please refer to the Server Events page.
And speaking of Omicron Gamma, the leader of the Alliance, Vice Admiral Mank, agreed to cancel his attack on the system, declaring that the reasons which prompted the initial declaration of war were no longer valid. “I still despise that cretin Chad,” he declared, “but for the time being, we have bigger fish to fry. Namely, those damned fagets in their bloody Wolfhounds.” Mank went on to declare that Omicron Gamma would henceforth be considered neutral territory, where anyone would be free to PvP to their heart’s content, and woe betide any unfortunate blighter foolish enough to violate the system’s neutrality. They would face the full force of the Alliance’s might.
That was enough for 33comander, it seems, who rapidly scurried out of sight, disbanding his Dominion as quickly as it was launched. “I am disbanding the Dominion because I can’t get anyone to join me,” he stated, “and because the Immys betrayed me. And because Mank is a better commander than me. Oh, and by the way, the Sith lords are dead. Oh, and I’m no longer on the dark side. I want my arms and legs back. No respirators. I’m a good guy now. For now. Ask me again next week though. Unless you think I should restart the Dominion – see my poll. If so, I’ll go back to the dark side. But for now Mank, you have my unwavering support. You can trust me because I am nothing if not reliable.”
OuTcAsT Charity and Public Relations Director Col. Conseco made a brief (and rare) appearance on the server forum this week, essentially to express his disgust at all the drama which appears to have taken over the place. “Bleah,” he spat. “Drama is for diva pansies who go crying to their mamas after wetting the bed.” He then grabbed a nearby dove and bit its head off. Apparently, Miguel Benitez has yet to pay the OuTcAsT ransom for his son, as the Herald has received four more toes and a pinky finger, delivered with the regular mail.
Finally, the Herald would like to call everyone’s attention to a wonderful resource we’ve discovered, called The Drunken Lancer’s Datapad. This website, first brought to our attention by Gunbeard, houses a treasure trove of useful information, ship’s reviews, interesting debates and helpful piloting tips. It’s sure to be of interest to new and intermediate players alike. More seasoned players will certainly enjoy reading the log as well.
That’s it for this edition of the Procyon Herald. If you’re ever in Bretonia, please feel free to drop by our newly established Bretonia bureau, found on Planet Leeds. And remember kids, if the ride is mo fly, then you must buy!
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