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 | Procyon Herald - Issue 70: Theta, Gamma, and Eggnog |  | |
Issue 70: Theta, Gamma, and Eggnog
11-14-2009 11:39
Welcome to the 70th issue of the Procyon Herald! Grinding out all the news that’s fit to print for seventy goddamn issues! And still, not a libel suit to speak of.
For this commemorative installment, we are live on location outside Planet Crete in Omicron Gamma, the site of tonight’s much anticipated “Gamma Bowl IV”. Here to discuss the tournament is none other than Avid Toker Cheech – himself, no stranger to Gamma Bowl tourneys.
“Welcome to the Herald, Cheech.”
“Thank you. It’s good to be here.”
“Cheech, some have described your history at Gamma Bowls as mirroring the career of the famous prize fighter, Rocky Balboa.”
“Huh??”
“In the first Gamma Bowl, you didn’t win the fight, but you did go the distance, finishing 3rd.”
“Yeah. I was pretty baked that night.”
“In Gamma Bowl II you roared back to win it all. You followed that up with another 1st place finish in Gamma Bowl III, earning yourself a lovely set of customized ship lights.”
“I can spend hours looking at those babies.”
“Cheech, in the movie ‘Rocky IV’, Balboa goes on to win the fight, but not before his best friend and colleague Apollo Creed is killed in the ring. Just how far are you willing to take this Rocky analogy?”
“Hmm. I see your point. Chong might have to die. I’ll have to buy him a bag to make up for it.”
Be sure to log onto the server later tonight, folks, for all the gut-churning action!
Elsewhere in the galaxy, a challenge was recently issued by Noggmoritz – the unanticipated participant in the recent battle for Omicron Theta who very nearly turned the tide of the battle single-handedly. Nogg issued an open challenge to the Avid Tokers, requesting a series of one-on-one duels with the winner to take title of Theta.
Unfortunately, the challenge was made during a time of transition on Procyon, where clans were required to register themselves in-game. The resulting confusion resulted in the Avid Toker clan becoming “de-listed”, and the Omicron system once again became available for purchase.
Nogg’s challenge was thus null and void, and he came away from the episode with egg on his face. (Get it? ‘egg’ – ‘nogg’? *sigh*)
We’ll pick up the story of Omicron Theta in a moment, but first, a bit of background on some other clan drama…
The recent surge in server activity has seen a dramatic rise in Procyon’s population. Many clans have migrated to Procyon to enjoy the stable game platform, as well as the many new and exciting features the server has to offer.
One such recent clan arrival was the ‘Legion of Death’ – surely, no clan ever inspired such fear in the hearts of freelancers as the ‘Legion of Death’. The very mention of its name was enough to make babes wail in terror. Unfortunately, Clan leader ‘hauler’ set some rather stringent clan rules, and the ‘Legion of Death’…well…died.
In actual fact, the Legion was assimilated into the clan, ‘BORG’. According to hauler: “Resistance was futile.”
‘BORG’ is led by clan leader Rikenen, and is described by him as: “an unlawful clan, new to this server”.
Upon hearing the news of their arrival, an amusing exchange occurred…
Rik: We are Borg!
Zombie Anthrax: ......bBrRaAiNnZz.......EiThEr MeChAniCaL oR NoT, aRe aLL tAsTy.......
Rik: The BORG are cybernetic. However, most of a Borg Drone's brain is Organic.
Avid Toker Kief: This is your brain on drugs.
Rik: (after a short, confused pause) Huh?!?
Whether or not the BORG continues as an active clan remains uncertain. What is known, however, is that shortly after being assimilated into it, the BORG and the ‘Legion of Death’ merged to create the ‘Guild of Destruction’ – otherwise known as the GOD clan.
Described as a “do what you want” clan, the rules are pretty simple. In fact, the rules are pretty much non-existent. The point of the clan, it would seem, is to expand as quickly as possible.
Clan member nedrakco appears to have taken the challenge to heart, recently commissioning a poll to determine: “how is [GoD] THE biggest clan on this server, while it hasn’t even been around for a month yet?”
(The poll seems to have concluded that the Gods are noobs.)
Admiral Mank chimed in, suggesting that, from personal experience, he can attest to the fact that size isn’t everything.
(We’re going to leave that one untouched.)
Which brings us back to Omicron Theta. (Remember Theta?)
With their rapidly expanding clan, the Gods have put in an offer to buy the system. News of the impending purchase brought a smile to Nogg’s face.
“I love it. Now I can acquire it without having to actually buy it,” he said with a mischievous grin.
Stay tuned folks. We know a developing story when we see one!
For the Herald, this is Ravenwood, signing off.
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| Broll on 11-14-2009 11:52:02 | | |
I sound like a broken record but these are still gold, Ravenwood. | | | | |
| R/)GE on 11-14-2009 11:58:40 | | |
Contragulations, Ravenwood, this is fantastic! | | | | |
| Zombie Anthrax on 11-14-2009 12:25:53 | | |
...i LoLLeD So hArD i HaD tO bReAk OuT tHe SuPeRgLuE..! | | | | |
| Cheech on 11-17-2009 01:14:34 | | |
I was so baked I don't even remember that interview. | | | | |
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